I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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