i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
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