saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
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