I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
