Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
