Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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