Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
