Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
This gyro tastes like lonliness
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
