and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
