She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
