I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
