I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
