my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
