I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
