So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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