I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I need a beard to bite.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
