Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
