I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Randomize
