A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Randomize
