i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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