Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
