Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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