I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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