Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
