Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
