I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
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