I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
