Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize
