I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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