My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
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