Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
