Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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