you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
The ass gains better be worth it
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