I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
