Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
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