guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
