Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
