you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
