I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Randomize