So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
this beer tastes like vomit already
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
