dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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