jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
