if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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