If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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