My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
