Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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