Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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