worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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