the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
