I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
