dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
