Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Randomize