I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
