remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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