Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
