if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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